the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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