If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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