Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
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I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
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6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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