It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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