My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
