Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
You have to summon your inner elephant
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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