I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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