I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
