dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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