I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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