I met the friendliest cop last night
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
you will always have a special place in my vag
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Randomize
