I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
