i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize