Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
