I can tuck mytits in my pants
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
