At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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