Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
