I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
