im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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