An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I have fence marks all over my body
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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