good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
