I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
soo... how was my night?
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