I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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