I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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