I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
