I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
