if i can run in heels then i can drive
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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