My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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