My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
