this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
