I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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