The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
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