p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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