"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
The beer is more important than you right now.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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