is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
My nipple is on Facebook.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Of course I have a pirate flag
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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