Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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