I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
