I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
