turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
