I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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