I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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