I seem to have left my pride at pride
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
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She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
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That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
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