I'm so fucking centered right now
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
