I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
