Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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