i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
