Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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