I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
No subtext here. People are naked.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
