You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I want a musical about memes.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
