We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
