There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
